How to Best Anger Mr Gold: A Manual
by night animal
Summary: Manuscript found by a lake in Storybrooke, author unknown: "Haven't we all been in situations where we've felt the urge to really get back at a certain someone?" How to piss off our favourite "villain". Rated T due to language and hints of adult themes.


**A/N:** I had fun writing this, so I hope you will find it amusing to. Please leave a review, they really make my day! They also make me want to write more...*hint hint, nudge nudge*

** Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT, but you already know that. This is for entertainment purposes only.  
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**How to best anger Mr. Gold**

_Extract from the manuscript "How to best anger Mr. Gold – A Manual", found in an abandoned cabin near a lake, close to Storybrooke._

Haven't we all been in situations where we've felt the urge to really get back at a certain someone? Perhaps the person in questions made a deal with a family member of yours, forcing her to pay through her nose? Perhaps he took your truck, or threw you out into the street because you couldn't pay the rent? Perhaps he fails to notice how gorgeous your legs and bottom look in that short skirt of yours? Perhaps he is just a blind and conceited bastard, who looks as though that cane of his had been pushed up his… hm, anyway: here are a few tips on how to deal with the…situation. Here is, written due to popular demand, "How to best anger Mr. Gold – A Manual".

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Hide all his ties and replace them with only bright pink ones. If possible, make certain they are all decorated with fluffy bunnies, hearts or other disgustingly cute items.

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Ruffle his hair. Period. That ought to make you vastly unpopular with this gentleman. Caution: You may have to move to another state afterwards.

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Said in an overly casual voice: "Anyway, what's with you and babies? Is there no woman who'll make one with you? Or maybe you are a pervert? Ew, there isn't enough _yuck_ in the world!"

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"Borrow" his cane and use it play field hockey with a doggie turd. Return it without washing it first. When he threatens to do nasty things to you, you quote Monty Python: "life's a piece of shit, when you look at it". Perhaps best to do this from a safe distance, say the other side of town.

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Refer to him as "Goldie" or – better still: Goldilocks! Naturally, after this you will not allow him to even enter a room or approach a crowd of townspeople without hearing about bears and porridge…

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Pointedly refuse to make any deals with him. This should really aggravate him… If, in spite of common sense, you do decide to make a deal with this man you need to make certain that he will _really_ regret it. One way to do that would be to ascertain that his side of the deal contains dressing up as Yogi Bear and dancing the Macarena at Granny's Diner. During lunch break, of course. What's the point if nobody's watching?

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Walk into his pawn shop while eating an almost melted, dripping cone of vanilla ice cream. Make sure you manage to slobber all over the place and pay "extra attention" to a certain beautiful yellow dress… In fact, this may work even better with chocolate ice cream. I wouldn't bring ketchup, though. There is such a thing as tempting fate.

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Give him a big, sloppy kiss and start talking about curses and true love. The man will run… Or lock you in a dungeon, depending on his mood.

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Sneak a cranky cat into his pawnshop and close the door. Of course, this may be considered Cruelty to Animals… or maybe not. Mr. Gold is rather lonely. Perhaps he'll go all fluffy inside and start carrying the kitty around with him, stroking it and calling it Mr. Bigglesworth… There's no guarantee, though.

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Sing loudly (and if possible off key): "Gold and Regina sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S-I-N-G!". This should irritate anybody enough to give them the hives. Especially if you put the song on repeat, so to speak. Of course, there's always the chance that the venerable Mayor Mills catches you before Mr. Gold does. If so, do not attempt to explain. Run.

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Inform Mr. Gold that you just named your pet gerbil after him: "Mr Creepy".

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Start singing the theme song of Disney's_ Beauty and the Beast_ every time you see him. Make certain you get that beautiful falsetto voice of yours working!

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Hide his rubber boots and apron just before he is about to go "gardening". It will certainly be entertaining to see how he solves the problem without taking off his precious suit. While you are at it, try to find out exactly what kind of "gardening" he does in the woods, all by himself. Anything to do with missing body parts? Zombies? Ninjas?

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**Caution! The following should not be attempted unless you have a death wish. Or at least enjoy pain a great deal. Consider yourself warned.**

Break into Mr. Gold's house to steal. Warning: may result in copious blood loss and/or broken bones, especially if you are silly enough to touch that chipped little cup of his…

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Mr. Gold may not remember every detail of his life as Rumpelstiltskin, but he still prefers people to be respectful. Referring to him as Mr. Hobblefoot and urging him to kiss some part of your anatomy and/or clothing is a very bad idea indeed.

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Break a deal with him. This may not, strictly speaking, be enough to kill you. But you may wish that it had. Let me put it like this: there's a reason why his deals are "always honored".

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**How to make Mr. Gold happy**

**Now, if you have managed to royally piss off this man, you might want to stay out of his way. I hear Mars is nice at this time of the year… No? Oh, wait - maybe you could try to make him happy instead? Here are some suggestions. No guarantees, of course. Whether the suggestions work or not depends on just how angry you have made him.**

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Tell him you just had a baby and now you would like to "make a deal" with him.

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Inform him that his rubber boots are very stylish and indeed go very well with his eyes.

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Name your cat after him. (No, not "Mr Creepy"! Jeez! That's your gerbil, remember? Call you kitty "Gold". This should work particularly well if it is orange or reddish in colour.) If you don't have a cat, get a gold fish. "Goldie the Gold Fish" sounds good, right? Hm, maybe not…


End file.
